Well after a day of letting my anger out about the break in … and taking it out on a mattress and a pillow … I still had a little bit in me ! so today I woke up went to meditation did meditation and as dancing came up I could not stand there and dance I just couldn’t stand the ppl around me and act happy!! So I went filled up my water bottle and sat on the porch angry till dancing was over . menlha came up to me as I sat there and said oh good your joining us today I said yeah but im still so mad I hate being mad! She said hey its ok to be a bitch some times … you have never been a bitch and its good to get anger out rather then keep it in and I told her I have never been a angry person and yelled like I did yesterday !! that’s so not me and that scared me as I have never done that before . menlha then said Michaela you are changing this is so good you have held this anger in for 25 years and its time for it to come out . she then said come fallow me to class and well tell every one that your going to be a angry bitch … I didn’t really think she was going to o this .. oh but she did before we got started in class she announced Michaela has some thing to say I looked at her and every one was like WHAT? And I said it I MIGHT BE A ANGERY BITCH . every one laughed and said you are the nicest angry bitch !! one guy even said if any one is going to be a angry bitch im glad it is you! This made me feel a little better . I started to realize that no better how I felt and how much people keep seeing me cry or laugh or yell or scream they still love me and like me .. and their opinion of me is not going to change they are accepting me just the way I am. So why all my life have a judged my self and not allowed anger ? why cant my friends and family accept my anger if these complete strangers can… have I all this time judged my self on the basis of this and not given them a chance to see this side of me or let them make their own opinion of this… I think so. So after class today I went to the local pool where me and a gf sat talking about life and I drew in pastel’s mad angry pictures and how I felt!! Its felt so good to let this all go … ant tomorrow guess what im going to do im heading down to the beach putting pictures of faces and sculls and what ever elts I want on rocks and im going to throw them into the ocean as hard as I can!! I am getting this anger out !! one way or another!
Soo what’s the lesion in all this? Be your self if you don’t allow your self to be your self how will you ever know your self ? and look at your self are your judgments based on your own self judgments? Or those of others I bet that 90% of the time its your own judgments’!
Try being your self … I bet you every one still love you just the way you are !! and let what ever feeling you need to out!! No more hiding!! IT FEELS GREAT!!
Xox love you!!
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